Okay so I finally decided to write. Here it is. This is it. No more procrastination. I guess the reason I finally decided to do it, is that I have to get it all out of the recesses of my mind and memory and onto paper..or,well, hard drive. Mainly because of my fear of forgetting. That horrible feeling I hate so much where someone asks you what you did last weekend and you just can’t remember. Or you see a face somewhere that grins at you in a knowing kind of way and you just don’t know where you know that person from. That stuff scares me. And I just don’t very much like that every now and again some hazy vague picture pops into my mind, and I’m not quite sure of the circumstances surrounding it, and I have to go digging through the cobwebs of my mind to piece the  puzzle together before it freaks me out completely. Okay, so my solution – I will think it all out now and write it down – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and then I plan to empty my mind of it. Forever, It’s kind of like a cleansing process. After it’s all out, I will never again feel guilty, dirty, ashamed, or freaked out. I think this writing is also kind of like therapy – a lot of the things I am writing are things I have told psychologists over the years…and stuff I haven’t told because of being too embarassed to even tell a psychologist. So maybe this is actually better than therapy. Who knows. We’ll see.

 

I don’t really have any kind of structure for this. So it’s just going to come in chunks. And maybe I will sort it out better some time.